I have the coolest shrink

My shrink gave me his email address earlier this week. He's actually the first one I've had that was computer literate, I think. The rest acted like all this stuff baffles them. But not him. I feel like I've emailed him a ton since then, although in actuality, it's only been 3. And one of them was a response to his email.

But that's one of my issues. I don't want to feel like a burden, so I rarely let medical and mental health professionals know the whole story. I also feel so needy that if unchecked, I'd probably contact them all the time. At least every other day. Way too much. I'd be a nuisance if I did that. So I keep myself restrained. At least usually. Last night, I couldn't.

I sent him an email at 3:30am. I was pretty upset and depressed and I asked him questions like "why do we keep going when we're ready to quit?" "why is it so wrong for someone to want to end their suffering?" Things like that. I hope I didn't scare the crap out of him. I tried to reassure him in the email that I wasn't going to do anything, that I was just feeling pretty bad.

He answered me this morning and said if you can't talk to your shrink, who can you talk to? And that email is convenient for him, so not to worry about it.

His answer to my question was that people only ask that question when they're depressed, never when they're happy. That feelings change and for all of time, almost all of the people have felt that it was worth it.

I've always heard that things change. I just never thought you could have a 20 year stretch with so much pain that you thought you couldn't endure it another minute. I thought there had to be a break in between. Oh, I'm sure there have been breaks, but they're not long at all and few and far between. And when I get like this, it's very hard to remember the breaks at all.

Goddess, I'm feeling so depressed right now. Coming out of mania sucks. It's the freaking Lithium, I tell you! Not only does it stop my mania, but worse, it sends me spiralling down the dark pit of depression and keeps me there. I'm so fucking SICK of ending up here again!